Originally published on International Man

Welcome to Brainwash University

Welcome to all you first-years matriculating next month at our beautiful campus in the lovely town of Brainwash, Massachusetts. We used to call you “Freshmen”, but we can’t say that anymore without triggering. And “Fresh-NonGenderBinary” is too hard to write and may be a passing phase, despite the state of Maine now using it on driver’s licenses.

To protect you from being called a freshman (and other offenses), we are building Safe Spaces as fast as we can. Be assured that no faculty member of this University will keep their job if you choose to take offense at anything they do or say. At Brainwash University, you have the right to not be offended.

We have worked to assure that the federal government will provide you whatever loans you may desire to pay for your four-year experience here. This increasing flow of credit (and debt) is important as it helps us to raise our tuition each year. Fear not your debt! Remember, they just print the money, so it costs the government nothing. And when you graduate, you may choose to pay off your debt to the government by spending 6-10 years working in government or military roles doing whatever the politicians want you to do. Easy.

But before your indentured servitude starts, you will enjoy your years here at Brainwash U. You will soon be choosing your field of focus from among our vast array of majors, and a faculty that will fiddle, fill and finagle your impressionable minds.

We are proud of our first in the nation Department of Peace. This new department is dedicated to social justice accomplished by whatever means are necessary. In this major you will learn how to solve perceived problems by using government force. The two highest-rated classes in the department focus on how our students can effectively deny or defend against any suggestion that might trigger introspection. These two wonderful classes are Intro to Denial and Defensiveness (DP-1984), and Advanced Denial and Defensiveness (DP-1984a). The Advanced class builds on each student’s ability to attack anyone who criticizes anything they have been taught. As these skills are so important for graduates of Brainwash University to excel at, the faculty board has declared that both classes are now mandatory for all freshpeople. The Denial and Defensiveness curriculum is posed to become its own major next year.

In the past, one could guarantee something was not true if it contradicted itself internally. Our faculty has dispensed with that notion. Our Philosophy Department is internationally recognized for its Nobel-winning work creating the new field of Fiat Logic. Our faculty have cast aside old and outmoded definitions of truth that for years prevented the acceptance of certain politically desirable arguments. In cooperation with the Department of Peace, the faculty now use the most advanced methods of Denial and Defensiveness to assure that old concepts of common sense do not confuse the students. Majors in Philosophy at Brainwash U. will respect the new truths being invented everyday on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Reality TV and by celebrities in general.

All of the faculty members in our Department of Environmental Science have survived a rigorous early development process beginning in kindergarten and continuing throughout primary and secondary schooling. A further winnowing process assures that only those most committed to establishing the severity of climate change, and providing government-centered solutions for it, will advance up the academic ladder, receive grant funding, and join our faculty. Rest assured that the research and teaching conducted by our faculty will be the most pure, just like you deserve to be exposed to. But know that we have no safe spaces at Brainwash University for climate deniers! We go the extra step by declaring it a violation of the Honor Code to suggest that climate change is anything less dangerous or assured than our highly distilled 200-proof climate science faculty claims it to be. The Journalism Department functions exactly the same way.

Our Political Science Department focuses on ensuring that government is given full authority to compel its citizens to do what our faculty thinks is necessary. Currently our faculty is focused on compulsion of equality of outcomes through taxation and subsidization schemes. They have devised these schemes through careful use of the most modern methods of fiat logic, while entirely avoiding contamination by history and precedent. PolySci-101 is the introductory course, which teaches you that right and wrong depends on the setting, and rarely apply to you. We consider this core value to be liberating and mind-opening for our young and impressionable students. All students at Brainwash University must show proficiency at negating historical underpinnings of what used to be considered right and wrong. A major in Political Science will educate you in the fine arts of manipulation and coercion of others for their own good, because you are brighter and better than them. This major will prepare you for service in government at any level, or to excel in cronyism within the private sector.

A major in our Department of Gender Studies will prepare you to be a faculty member in our Department of Gender Studies.

Our African American Studies Department is in the vanguard of the fight against racism. At Brainwash U, gone are archaic emphases on content of character. Indeed, our faculty’s teachings over the last generation have promoted the widespread use of skin color and race as the primary descriptor of a human being in any news media story. We are proud of our faculty as they actively promote such racial discrimination in this battle against racism that America seems to be losing—for reasons that our faculty members simply cannot understand but blame on others.

A major in Economics here at Brainwash U will prepare you for a highly respected career in central planning. Some of the greatest men in history have been central planners. If you double major in Economics and Political Science, you will be optimally positioned to coerce your brilliant planning on others. Some consider this double major to be the ultimate value of a Brainwash education.

The faculty of our English Department for three decades taught collective guilt based on intricate study of carefully selected pieces of classic literature written during the previous three decades. All classes are taught in Spanish. In an exciting development, this department will be changing its name this year to the Department of Political Correctness, the focus of which will be the development and dissemination of policies defining the acceptable and unacceptable use of words. This major will continue to be available only to students classified as members of the oppressive majority race, who will serve as the first test subjects for the department’s new free-from-speechguidelines. This year’s focus is on critiquing English literature from the school of Gender and Queer Theory.

The faculty of our Physics Department is proactively engaged in the invention of radical new laws of physics. They believe that if a majority accepts (by popular vote) these new laws of physics, it will greatly improve the human condition.

If you wish to set the world on fire, look no further than our major in Social Entrepreneurship and Change. This recently formed department is so new that even our dean of students doesn’t yet know what it is, although it (the dean) is sure that we all will be stronger together. This department moves beyond just change, to incorporate all that is implied by forward.

The History Department has long been a favorite of our undergraduates. History is a quagmire of uncertainty. Like the political parties, we teach our students to interpret any uncertainty in a manner that best reinforces whatever argument they wish to make. History has always been written by the winners. But in the progressive forward charging manner our university is known for, our faculty has now taken charge of what gets into the books. History is now being written by the losers.

If Art is your passion, you’ll discover that your appreciation of art has been wrong, and you will be given the opportunity to be re-educated. Our Art faculty has adopted the model that the only true art is that art that promotes on-trend social thinking. Anything that does not comply with their rigid standards (in any given moment) is summarily cast aside as trash or racist or sexist or non-gender neutral (whatever is the most convenient epithet at the moment), regardless of any purported historical significance of the artist or the art. That’s how forward thinking our faculty is.

For the last 50 years, our Department of Regulatory Science has paved the way for greater proficiency in this rapidly expanding field that focuses on how politicians and bureaucrats can optimally control their citizenry. Our Regulatory Science faculty had historically been in charge of the Ethics Curriculum here at B.U. although the faculty has just voted to remove Ethics from the curriculum for practical reasons, as Ethics has not been taught here in many years. Our Reg Sci faculty routinely testifies in front of the legislature at the state and federal levels. Our adjunct faculty are particularly entertaining lecturers because of their real world revolving-door experiences as they cycle their positions back and forth between working at government agencies and then working in that agency’s regulated industry. If you don’t want to major in it, the Reg Sci department has made minors available in the various fields dominated by Public-Private Partnerships, including Financial Cronyism, Pharmaceutical Cronyism, Defense Cronyism, Real Estate Cronyism, Public Services Cronyism, Health Insurance Cronyism, Green Cronyism, Energy Cronyism, Telecommunication Cronyism, Agricultural Cronyism, Manufacturing Cronyism, NGO Cronyism, and many others, each of which is expanding so rapidly that it may soon become a department in its own right.

You can see that your choices at Brainwash University are unlimited. After four years here you will graduate with a set of facts, biases, and committed beliefs that may well totally reverse what your parents taught you. You will have adopted a value structure that is well aligned with what our faculty has determined to be optimum for their continued funding. Upon graduation, some of you will go forth to set the world on fire with your expertise in Social Entrepreneurship and Change. Some will generate the abundance that will arise from adoption of our new laws of Physics and your application of our preferred politically correct principles of Crony Economics. Most all of you will promulgate our enlightened definitions of truth through social media and academia.

One thing I promise you all is that you will be so well schooled in Defensiveness and Denial that any outdated tenets of truths or so-called “common sense” that you may occasionally still be exposed to won’t even enter your consciousness, even while you maintain the ability to argue it away reflexively and eloquently with your subconsciously controlled and well-practiced words. This is our biggest gift to you. In the next four years you must learn to cherish this gift, as it is this gift, more than anything else, that will protect your tender ego from the onslaught of nature and the risk of recognizing realities that we prefer you to ignore.

The Faculty and Administration welcomes you to your new Brainwash University Family!

You are the future of humanity!

Signed manipulatively by,

The President of Brainwash University
From my commanding heights in Top-Down Hall